Friday, 9 October 2015

The importance of having an opinion. And voicing it.

Here's the thing. Every time I do an event and get to meet some of you lovely readers, I come away inspired and always with new ideas for posts. This one came to me early on during my PA yesterday when I heard some version of 'I read your blog because you're not afraid to have an opinion' or 'I love that you have an opinion' from maybe every other person. I'm not exaggerating. It was both moving and unsettling. I'm very grateful that so many of you read my opinions. I really am. It wasn't always thus..

Ever since I can remember, although especially in my working life, people have said 'you're very opinionated' - and they nearly always mean it as an insult. Always. 'Oh she's very opinionated.' *side-eye*
It astounds me that this is still used - especially against women in the workplace and on social media - as a way of shutting someone down. We are all, each and every one of us, fully entitled to have an opinion. We may disagree - frequently - but isn't that the joy of being alive and present?

Don't get me wrong, I have absolutely spoken out of turn on occasion, and opened my mouth before engaging my brain, but again, we all do. Own it, fix it, move on.


Of course I have an opinion. So do you. For the love of your sanity, please voice it.

In the early days of this blog I was certainly more bolshy and 'loud' than I am now, because writing for 50 of your mates is very different to writing for the audience I now have. I've softened how I say some things - not because I am afraid of upsetting people, but because I get new readers all the time, who may not know my humour, and may take things literally, so I've tried to adjust my writing and reviews accordingly while still leaving my personality intact. It's not always easy, sometimes I do want to just say 'I cannot believe this SH*T is on the market, you absolute arsehole of a company.' but instead I just don't review it, or I'll just put *eyebrow* to a direct question on social media. I'm not interested in being negative for negative's sake, so for the most part, if I don't like something, I just don't focus on it. There's plenty of good stuff out there to be getting on with.

I'm not saying you won't meet resistance when you open your mouth, it can sometimes be incredibly isolating - especially on social media. And I think the younger you are, the harder it is, but we, as women, have to use our voice. This is much more than just blogging, there are plenty of bloggers out there who never have a bad word to say about anything. Everything is 'amazing!'. No, it's not. The bigger picture in this case is that they probably don't want to upset PRs and want to keep the freebies coming, but I'm not talking about them. It's so much wider than the blogging world.

You will never succeed in business, or feel like a full equal in a relationship, if you do not speak your mind. I'm not talking about being cruel, hurtful or mean. Let's leave that to the trolls. But it's a very quick, slippery, slope from not voicing your opinion to not speaking up to your partner/parents and feeling like you aren't being heard.

I knew early on that I would need to have my own business. I'm not great at being told what to do (shocking I know) and the word 'appraisal' makes me stabby. It's a horrific term. We 'appraise' another human being? Nope. The corporate world can keep that word thanks. And 'constructive criticism'? No. Maybe try 'supportive feedback' or something similar. Don't criticise.
I've been called 'gobby' by the MD of a HUGE company that you would all know. I may have taken it to heart had he not been the same man who openly used the 'N' word in an open plan office and a thick idiot who got his position because his wife founded the company. Someone like that does not get to 'appraise' me.



We need more women in higher positions in business. We need more women in the upper echelons of the beauty industry, which is still overwhelmingly run by middle-aged white men. (Don't get me started.) I'm not interested in blaming men for this. We're big girls. I'm happy to challenge them head-on.

We won't get there if we don't speak up.
You won't get there if you have nothing to say.
Lose the disease to please. It will make you ill, and in the process allow other people to treat you appallingly.
Teach people how to treat you.
Stick up for each other.
Speak up when you know in your gut something is wrong. Even if no-one else is. I promise you someone will join you.

It's not just about business, speak up in your relationship. If your partner doesn't like the fact that you speak your mind, you need a new partner.

At such a critical time in politics where middle-aged men are making life-changing and life-threatening decisions about women's bodies and especially our reproductive rights, you have to voice your opinion. 'Opinionated' is not only not an insult, it's absolutely crucial.



83 comments:

  1. Amen Caroline, you a breath of fresh air. My best friend and I are outspoken, we don't always agree but enjoy a healthy debate. It's got easier to speak my mind as I've gotten older and I am naturally a people pleasing person, but when something is wrong you need to feel confident to say so. Not easy, but it can be so rewarding as a result xx

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  2. God. I love this post, it's just what I needed after a genuinely awful day.
    I regularly get called "ballsy", "opinionated", "gobby" and my favourite "a drama queen" at work because I am the only female in an all male environment and demand to be treated equally at all times. Unfortunately my boss, who is an out dated dinosaur, regularly tells me he hates working with my and is glad there aren't other women around because he wouldn't be able to stand the moaning and complaining when our periods sync up.
    What he doesn't understand is, I have only become as opinionated as I am now because I work work for this misogynistic idiot.

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  3. Amen! I'm known as the gobby, stroppy PA where I work but my boss admits he couldn't do his job without me. I will happily go out of my way to help anyone but don't ever EVER take me for granted

    😉

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  4. Amen sister, couldn't agree more. Some men cant handle a strong opinionated woman.

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  5. Brilliant post. Totally behind you on this one (especially as someone who has only been following you for just under a year - I love your opinions!)

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  6. Yes to this! Finding the confidence to voice your opinion is so important and those of us who aren't afraid to do it make other bloggers see that it's okay not to like absolutely everything and that their opinion does count and is important. Anyway, what use is it as a resource for information if everything is wonderful - that's what marketing departments are for, not blogs. We've all made mistakes - actually, being strong and confident in a way that doesn't seem like, ahem, 'moaning' isn't as easy as we might think. My message to bloggers would be just be strong, hold your head high and in your place in the internet, your opinion is your biggest asset. I love that you've been called gobby - since when was that an insult, anyway? I'd take it as a compliment from someone who is poor at expression. And a racist. :-)))

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  7. OMG. Caroline. My day: working at a white-middle-aged-men-runned-newspaper, being told I need to find a pic of a woman for the front page 'because women want to see a woman on the front page' and when I voice my utter disbelief at this nonsense: getting a pat on the head and a 'you're so STUBBORN!'....I can't even. Hugging you through the screen right now. ~A

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  8. And this is why I love you.

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  9. Opinionated is often how me and each of my four sisters have been described for as long as I can remember, that or 'bossy' or 'mouthy'. We're not, we are just women who have a voice. Unfortunately, it is also what our six daughters are now called, which offends me more. Often by teachers as the girls express their ideas or opinions, the most recent being my eldest during an a debate around reproductive rights during an RE lesson. When the teacher called me to complain about my daughters outspoken views, I would say informed, I could tell by the end of the conversation they thought 'well, that's where she gets it from'. It makes me and my family both angry and sad.

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    1. It should also make you PROUD. And also, fuck what they think.

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  10. This is so apt for what is going on in my professional life just now. Lovely and empowering post, thank you Mrs. H!

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  11. Yup skincare and life lessons - you rock both areas. I bet you are raising amazing humans in your household.

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  12. Always loved reading your blog, so refreshing and genuine.

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  13. My mother raised my sister and I to take no bullshit in her actions, and we're both just now realizing it. I'm loud, brash, opinionated, somewhat like you. My sister is quiet, thoughtful, and will stand her ground where necessary. All of my mom's sisters are some variation on that... maybe I should thank my grandmother and/or step-grandmother. A family of women who couldn't cook (running joke) but can raise hell. Mom has taken her career to the level of project manager in a major architecture firm. I couldn't be more proud.

    Having an opinion doesn't and shouldn't hold you back. If you can't move up because of some asshole, then it's time to move on. I am thankful to work for a woman, leading a lab at a major research institution in a relatively new department; and thankful we have so many young women looking for positions in our lab. We STILL encounter all of this misogyny, in discouraging and subtle ways. But we fight back. We have to.

    I could go on about beer and brewing, getting snide remarks, being offered fruity beer too often, hearing men think the "issue" is solved because WOAH 20% of beer drinkers are women and that number is growing! *side-eye to the fedora-wearing neckbeards* But the point is still the same. My opinion will be heard, no matter what anyone else has to say.

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  14. I agree with you. We all have our own personal lines we don't feel it's appropriate to cross, and frankly I have had to learn to keep my mouth shut - or at least pause between having a thought and saying it out loud. I try to remember to ask myself these three questions:

    1. Does it need to be said?
    2. Does it need to be said now?
    3. Does it need to be said by me?

    I've saved myself a lot of aggro by running through this checklist - much of what I think should not be expressed out loud, and you don't get in trouble for what you think, but for what you say and do. At the same time, the checklist has prompted me to say things I might otherwise have held in out of fear.

    N.B. If you're one of those people who claims "I'm too honest - that's my problem!" because you are frequently hurting people, your problem is probably nothing to do with honesty and more to do with poor judgment and lack of empathy. As Caroline says, you can be outspoken without doing damage. Sometimes the truth does hurt, but it's all in HOW you say it.

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    1. 100% agree with all your comments. I try to so the same and am teaching my kids this too!

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  15. Also, people know you will tell them the truth. There are very few "social influencers" for whom this can be said. Your honesty is your USP. Lots of people have qualifications and a way with words, but trust trumps all in a world of sponsored posts, dodgy disclosure statements (or lack thereof) and shady brand deals.

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  16. LOVE every word you wrote. It's also refreshing that someone else also cares about being a feminist (I saw your Women's Day post: LOVED it too). It's so important for us to have opinions, be heard and have a say in everything that affects our lives. Living in the Middle East and coming from India, it's appalling how submissive women are. We live in an era where everything (no matter if it's the truth or not) has to be politically correct.

    Anceeta.com

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  17. One of the many reasons I love you and the blog is stuff like this. Also for reviews that aren't copy & pasted from a PR's list of bullet points with words like "pamper routine" thrown in between them.

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  18. I so agree with everything you say in this post, Caroline. It is so sad that women are still insulted simply for having an opinion. I know it can also be exhausting being a woman who is prepared to speak her mind and stand up for what she believes is right. I hope when confronted with such ridiculous behaviour as you describe, you can remember that your opinions matter to your followers and that you have made a difference to many faces.

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  19. Lately I've gotten a lot into TED talks. Have you ever checked Brene Brown out? She's a researcher in terms of social work, of helping people emotionally. And a thing she said that really got to me was: 'Vulnerability is not about grief and fear and disappointment; it is the birthplace of everything we're hungry for'. Voicing my opinion or even speaking aloud used to give me such anxiety. But in a way it was the realization of this, of what Brene was talking about on my own, that motivated me to speak up about the things that matter to me. Keeping quiet had it's perks of not taking sides, and it was conforting to know nobody would be against me. But who want's to keep quiet? And to me, even more importantly, who wants to go unnoticed in life? Risk it, be vulnerable, be opinionated!
    Loved this post ^^

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  20. Thank you Caroline. I needed to read that on both a personal & professional level..

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  21. I agree, and especially about it being harder for younger people. It's easy to feel intimidated or to take all reactions to heart. I have learnt, with age, that it is important to speak up. And, like anything, the more you do it, the easier it becomes.

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  22. Caroline I bloody love you for posting this!
    I work in the same industry as you do been doing so for the past 14 years and I learned very quickly that unless you are prepared to "kiss ass" you get nowhere!
    I am one of those people who expresses their opinion, stand up for what they believe in and I do not go along with people just to keep the peace but doing so makes life a lot harder for me.
    We love you because you are so upfront and honest I only wish more people where like you xx

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  23. Brava! This kind of thinking -- and speaking -- is EXACTLY whyI read your column and exactly why I will keep coming back for more.

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  24. Very well said! I couldn't agree with you more. To have an opinion means you are alive and feel things. To have no opinion means you don't care.
    I always use to say that my daughters would never say "what do you think mom thinks?" They always knew my opinions!
    We need people who care. Keep up the good work.

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  25. OMG!!! THIS IS WHY I LOVE YOU!!! WHAT A FANTASTIC POST!!!

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  26. Well said Caroline! Couldn't agree more

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  27. Thank you Caroline for speaking Truth as you see it as always, BUT for also encouraging others to do the same. While this problem DOES affect more than just the blogging world and/or beauty industry, it is DEFINITELY a problem that can aptly be seen in, and more, importantly, be hopefully ONE DAY addressed in full force by the beauty industry, as it, in essence (should be) about empowering women and allowing them to feel confident and good on the outside but also and much more importantly on the Inside too. No, I am not into bashing men, as you also said, there ARE LOADS of wonderful men out there and many, even those in positions of power who openly and thoroughly respect women and do and would treat them as the equal yet unique individuals that we are. But those who don't must be silenced and those women who feel they don't have voices to be used, should speak.

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  28. Hear! Hear! Such an inspirational piece, pass it on to the men in your life and they may learn something.

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  29. I disagree with you on skincare topics. Frequently. But I love you for just being you. And with this post I simply couldn't agree more.

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  30. Thank you for making me think about all the times I should have given my opinion and didn't. This post has come at a time when I need to make some fundamental changes professionally and need to make myself heard. Love your blog Mrs Hirons; keep the good stuff coming.

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  31. I beleive that the "voice" you have is what makes you special and your blog a treusure online. About women in key and higher positions in general I think that is important but not with copying "a man's style of behavior" and be judged for that, but with her own unique way, like Caroline's "voice".

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  32. I agree completely. As long as you are not nasty, cruel and hurtful. Stick to your ground. After all it is your opinion. Love your blogs and what you stand for. Thank you. Big hugs. Neil

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  33. Thank you for one of the most powerful and inspiring posts I have read for a long time having worked in the male dominated world of IT for the last 25 years I know what its like to not have a voice , however spending the last 6 years in one of the world's biggest tech companies I have developed the biggest gob you will ever find on a 5ft midget ...I had to or face drowning , we all need to find our own way to be heard . However work bravado aside the thing that made me realise it was actually OK to be me was something you said on the Salli Hughes interview you made me understand I might not be a 6ft blonde super model but that was fine and I still counted even though I'm not "perfect"
    I came here for skin care advice but I stayed because your manner and opinions engender a certain kind trust that it's more than OK to be yourself , look after yourself and not give a fiddlers e!bow about all the BS in the beauty world and everywhere else xx

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  34. Thank you for this post Caroline. Speaking up and being heard, both at work and in my private life, has been something I have been working on for the past couple of years. Your blog and Youtube channel are sources of inspiration and laughter to me all the time - hugs to you! x

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  35. I really don't know what to say or ... no, I have a lot to say about women speak their opinions. Caroline I admire you very very much but in a way I think you are an exception. You have been working in a business (maybe) dominated by women or with women in important roles. But let's talk about other business outside fashion and cosmetics. Maybe you have no idea of how women are treated. Yes in theory women can talk: I talked, voice my opionins and now I'm forced (my health is too important) to leave my job for the treatment I get in return. Donald Trump is not a martian. A LOT of men think like him, even if they don't voice it. Women voicing their opinions in their workplaces? But women still have to be assertive (like a mother) with men if they want to survive and still women get less money and get the promotions they deserve. I can assure you that the situation I described regards the majority of working women.Yes there are (very few) exceptions but not because these women spoke their opinions.
    And I think that it's all women-mothers fault. All men have or had a mother. Mothers and wives demand respect (REAL RESPECT) from their sons and husbands? Are we sure that the answer is yes to this question? And bottom line this is there the problem lies! jobdonnacom

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  36. Yes thank you for this post! very inspiring.

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  37. A thoroughly thought provoking & important post Caroline. It hit every nail on the proverbial head, especially about 'Corporate' - I was once told I couldn't be given the highest score on an appraisal for 100% attendance & time keeping because that was only given to higher mgt & I would have nothing to strive for. I got up & told them you if cannot appraise me justly on the good, then you certainly cannot appraise me on any of it! I think that was fair.

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  38. I hardly ever comment but Caroline thank you so much for this blog post. Thanks for being the way you are and trying to spread out the word and empower and encourage other women to stand up straight, nice and tall, and never feel sorry or apologize for not being a door mat. I always get given out to for not being able to 'get along with everyone' and having stopped being a crowd pleaser. This has only strengthened my belief that I'm definitely not in the wrong, not for speaking my mind and standing up for my opinions. Needless to say, I adore your blog's content. Hugs and kisses and all things nice!

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  39. It's such a AMAZING post!! I absolutely agree!! We should definately speak up and stand for my opinions!! It's so important!!! Thank you for reminding me that :))

    http://yumiandyuji.blogspot.kr/

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  40. Glad you wrote this. I got told at university that I was judgemental. I disagreed obviously, I explained that I am opinionated, not judgemental which is just plain rude.

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  41. I could have written all of this blog ( If only I had enough time !!!!).....Every word I agree with & I wish we could HEAR someone saying it all on the radio more often...I say Radio because I listen all day while I work but there are never any good speeches speaking up about all the points you have made here.
    Rock on lady...I'm glad I joined if this is an example of what I can look forward to. And "thank you".

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  42. YES! All of this. So much. I firmly believe that you absolutely rock! And I bloody love your weekly vlogs. More please, of everything.

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  43. So glad you are in the blogging world! It is only natural to have an opinion and therefore it is only natural to voice it. Out of everything you said, something that struck a chord for me is that if your gut is telling you that something is wrong you need to say it and probably a few others will agree. It takes some courage but it is important.
    Loved this post!
    Inma x

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  44. I don't think we have phrase for "opinionated" in norwegian. And right now I'm really happy about it! The only thing I can think of as getting close is the word for stubborn, but it's not used in the same way. There is still a long way until equality and I feel men still takes a lot of the attention in a room (even at school), but I'm practicing every day the ability to raise my voice and tell my own opinion – without beeing afraid of getting shot down by some other agument and reduce myself to a pile of "okay then". I'm getting there. Thanks for a lovely blog post!

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  45. I totally agree with you in every way! I have always been told that I am bossy and opinionated and it annoyes me so much! It's not bad to have an opinion, to have thoughts and feelings is what makes me human and it boils my blood when people tell me that I shouldn't have those feelings, just when people say that some things that I say are not "lady-like"... Umm, so what?!

    Thanks for this, it's nice to read something from a woman who has gone though the same struggles with "modern day sexism" <3

    www.vihsee.blogspot.co.uk

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  46. Hi Caroline it was a privilege to meet you at the Body Shop earlier today (yesterday?!!) and to be able to thank you in person for writing this post, which really touched a nerve for me. It felt like meeting an old friend as there is no-one in real life I can obsess with over skincare and I could have talked to you for hours! If I had a daughter I'd be telling her this stuff, but I have three boys and I am going to tell them this stuff anyway. You are a breath of fresh air in an industry renowned for its snake oil salesmen and b*llshit. Thanks for doing what you do - keep doing it. The industry is having to change as we customers get more of a voice thanks to people like you!

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  47. Also, people without opinions are BORING!
    But I'm really here to say (hoping you will read this!) that I have just recently stopped using foaming cleansers and am on my way to taking care of my skin! AND I am currently making lists for a complete skincare routines for my mom, brother and my girlfriend. I can't stop preaching your stuff to everyone and anyone who will listen! Thank you x a million for your blog and your youtube vids- you are a hoot! And after watching "in the bathroom" with Sali Hughes, I realize you are a great role model as well!! Greetings from Toronto :)

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  48. Can't emphasize enough on how encouraging and important this post is for everyone, esp those of us girls, who are just preparing to step into the professional work environment. A reminder to speak out more and be ok with being more visible. Thank you Caroline!

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  49. but what does "gobby" mean? great post. I went to an all-girls school. Being opinionated and have constructive thinking and intelligent conversations/discussions was considered a good thing. I miss those days.

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  50. It is so important to voice your own opinion - I agree ! I also agree that there is a right way and a not-so-right way to go about it, and that is something we learn with time. It's better to say what you think and be honest then just to agree with everything (or, like you said, deem everything 'amazing'). In the case of blogging, your readers are here because they want your opinion ! Not just a low down list of ingredients and the same old speel that can be found on the product website... And how can you trust someone who loves everything?

    Almost Everything

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  51. I love you, my skincare guru :) this post is everything!

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  52. This post really stopped me in my tracks. Especially the bit about appraisals. You are completely spot on. Loving your work.

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  53. I am extremely proud to have raised 3 children who have and are growing into strong minded, opinionated, yet caring human beings. I have a son & two daughter's neither of whom will take any crap from anyone. While my youngest at 15 doesn't yet quite have the self confidence to always believe in herself, I've absolutely no doubt that by the time she reaches her sister's age of 24, she most certainly will have. Women especially have to be strong willed and fight to reach the goals they wish to achieve but guys also have to have the balls to speak up and stand up for what's right. There is nothing wrong with being opinionated as long as you're open minded to the opinions of others and it's only by listening to each other that good changes will come about in this world. I bet your kids are growing into amazing adults Caroline, how could they not with your example to look up to.

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  54. great post! completely agree with you that there is a fine line between not speaking up and feelling like you aren't being heard.. communicating with people is what can lead you to success in personal and professional life :)

    Chic Peachy Pink Blog

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  55. Thank you thank you thank you thank you. Check out our blog when you have the chance aimed at advancing working women. http://www.theshesuiteblog.com

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  56. Dear Caroline,
    please please keep using your original sense of humour (we do get it!) and even your snaps (even at your readers :P). To be very honest, I often find myself going back to your earlier posts to enjoy their style, only to be left hungry for more.

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  57. My new goal in life is now to be called "gobby." Although here in Texas, I am not sure anyone will know what it means! I think being in the position of working in a situation where you are forced to be outspoken in order to do your job can be a transformational (and stressful) experience. Getting a bit older helped me as well. My mother taught me to try diplomacy first which has taught me alot about persuasion, but boy do folks pay attention when I speak candidly! Love all you do Caroline!!

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  58. awesome post! I agree with everything, thanks for sharing!

    lifeisashoe

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  59. I love this post. You remind me so much of my mother (don't let that make you feel old, I'm your age!): what you see is what you get, tell it like it is, and never apologise for being an intelligent, opinionated, strong individual. Your obsession with Dettol and bleach contributes to that, too ;-).

    I saw an interview with the lady who ran as an independent for the London mayoral office last time. Can't think of her name right now, but I remember her describing the current power structure as, "male, pale, and stale". The phrase stuck. So true.
    ~El

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  60. Good girl Mrs H. Perfect blog and you stay as you are...which is wonderful.

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  61. So refreshing...I have been branded 'rude & obnoxious' by my mother because I am opinionated but that has never stopoed me & I am proud of the person I am, you can't please everyone! I am proud that my children are happy to voice their opinions too, although it can be challenging when they are voicing them against your decisions! I strive for my daughter to be confident & respectful as I do for my son. We must show the next generation that it can be different., women & men.
    Keep it coming Caroline!

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  62. Dear Caroline, I love this post and the fact that you are opinionated. Opinion is what life is about, deciding on what is good for oneself and not necessarily becoming part of the heard. I remember very distinctly the day I decided to be myself @ 300%. I work in what was at the time when I started and still is to a greater degree, a white male dominated film industry. As a black woman I tried to "fit in" until I realised that I just had to be ME and everyone would just have to deal with it. I have not looked back since. My mouth can still get me into trouble but I've obviously learned when to open it and when not to. Like you I don't sweat the small the stuff anymore, just concentrate on the bigger issues. So, please, keep those opinions coming, let's not let PC take over the world. We can be respectful to others without being hypocritical. Go Girl!

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  63. This is the best post I've read in a long while. Yes to everything you said. Opinionated should NEVER be an insult. And it's only said as an insult by those who are too afraid to lose their high positions of power. Opinions aren't bad things. There is no reason anyone should be shamed for having them.

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  64. I came for the skincare. I stay for your wonderfully refreshing attitude. Ballsy women make the world go round. Thank you for reminding me of this, you have no idea how much I needed to hear this. L x

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